Cracks in our Universe

I am not entirely sure what I am here to say, if anything at all. I want to say something but I don't know what. I suppose it is a journey, a step, a moment that I am here to write about. I am realizing that each process in life, each step along the way, each day, each hour matters. We have the power to make good choices or bad choices, to do right or wrong, to move forward or to move back, all in line with the dance of the universe around us. (I just finished "The Alchemist" so I might be a little bit existential....) I am realizing that all of our moments impact other moments. Dan once told me that our stories interweave into the tapestry of other people's stories as well, the people we interact with, and it all creates one big tapestry of the world. I like that, because in knowing that we effect each other, it seems like we would be more open to helping rather than harming.

Yet, what about the times when we harm others and we don't mean to? When our actions negatively impact another? Does it still take two people to completely reconcile, or can one person come most of the way? How do we reconcile cracks in our world? I suppose through forgiveness, hope, and trust--leaning on the fact that time slowly heals the holes that we unknowingly dig ourselves into. Forgiveness is hard. I wish it were easy. I wish we could just wave our wand and be done with it. But maybe it is meant to be hard for a reason. Maybe it is hard because we learn along the way. Maybe it is also a journey.

Some thoughts for a Thursday afternoon.

No Car Paradox

So, I have realized that in my hibernation, I miss connecting with others through writing. Sometimes its easier to hibernate to my own little work/home bubble and I want to get myself out of that. I have realized that in order to stay connected, in order to keep thinking and growing, I have to write. Writing is a way for my dreams to become a reality--or at least a reality on paper.

I think that not having a car is teaching me to appreciate life more. Yes, it is a simple, rather awkward situation, this life without a car. And yes, most people expect a 28 year old M.A. graduate to have a car. But this life is not me--at least not right now. Taking the bus has caused me to slow down, to enjoy life at the bus stop--and to enjoy the people I meet. Everyone from the 40 year old man and his girlfriend who were talking about his birthday conversations to communally fleeing a bee with two women who were also being attacked by said bee. Riding my bike gives me a different spin on the world. It causes me to notice more, to be in touch with the world more--I notice the little hills between my house and work more :) but I also notice the flowers, the houses and how they change in architecture slowly as I move north, and the beautiful old doors and mailboxes. It causes me to take a breath, pause, and enjoy the journey of life.

And so, as I pause, take a breath, and enjoy life, I hope you too can experience life somewhat differently today and enjoy being in the moment rather than rushing on to the next one.

random thoughts

I don't even know exactly what to write, but I want to keep writing. I'll let my fingers play on the keys until words make their way from my brain to my fingers, to this blog. :) It is a journey that's for sure--this thing we call life. Always new steps, new expectations, new bends and twists in the road, it's an adventure, that's for sure. And I think sometimes we need to stop and just be present in the middle of our lives. We need to stop and listen, stop and rest, stop and just be. I think it's so easy to forget in the pell mell of our lives. It's easy to let life carry us away and forget that we need to be present in each moment, in every moment. We only get one life. How much will we make of it?

If you think about it, our whole culture is geared towards this fast past, mcdonaldization of our lives. Everything is fast-fast food, carpool lanes, airplane flights, getting us from one place to the next within hours. It's crazy, but it's so hard not to succumb to it. It's so hard to go against the culture, to be counter-intuitive and subversive. How can we fight it? Maybe just slowing down and taking it one step at a time. Thinking about how we effect others ecologically (incidentally, you can find out your own carbon footprint to find out how much you impact our planet by completing a simple quiz on the web), thinking about how we affect others emotionally, spiritually, mentally--it's a world of thoughts that we must enter in and choose what to think, choose how we act, choose to go against the grain or submit to it. It's an adventure....may we live it to its fullest.

Hanging on by your fingernails

Sometimes, when we have nothing else to cling onto, we keep clinging anyways. A friend of mine used to say that sometimes we have to hang on by our fingernails if by nothing else. I think its really important to remind ourselves of that every once in a while. Because we all come through times and situations where hope seems elusive, almost baiting us on with a taste of it and then shimmering away till we wonder if we really had it in the first place. I wrote a poem a few years ago that I'd like to share here:

Fingers stretch
trying to grasp
the goodness in the world
to take hold
and never let go
a death grip's hold

Fingers of darkness reach, cling, twist
trying to choke
    destroy
          kill

Maybe hope is the leaf
that clings
     and will not
                          fall.

Sometimes its like we have two sources inside of us battling for the good, while the evil darkness tries to prevail and break the hope that we have within us. But yet, I think we can be stronger than this and really seek to find hope regardless of the situation. Sometimes in the bleakest, darkest moments, we have to keep hanging onto something--for me, it's God, for others it might be something else, but we can't let go. Because if we let go, it seems like the despair is just waiting to overtake us, pull us into a neverending darkness, just like how in Narnia there was everlasting winter until Aslan was on the move, shattering the darkness of winter with his presence, proclaiming spring instead.

In this time of gentle growing, sometimes, the fingers of darkness still clench at us, sometimes they still seem to want us, but we can't give up, we can choose to cling, we can choose to hang on, we can choose light.

Real Beauty

So, who defines real beauty? I think the media pushes our perception of the "perfect person" into a twisted, distorted way of thinking, so we don't see ourselves as who we really are, as who other people see us. It is sad really, the way the media distorts and makes the 4% of women in the United States who can fit the "perfect woman" size 4 model so supers-ized that we believe we have to be like that. In order to be perfect, in order to be happy, we have to look that way. Otherwise, our worlds will crumble and we won't know who we really are. Yet, the media has already made our worlds crumble around us, because they push the negative thoughts into our heads, we weren't born thinking that we weren't perfect. We were born with a desire to live life freely and be content with ourselves, but when we get old enough, we start thinking and the media starts whispering in our heads-"be thinner, be more toned, eat this diet and you will have the best abs ever." Yet is that what we really want? What has happened to being comfortable with ourselves, in our own skin, for who we are? I saw this video recently and wanted to share it with you. What do you think of it? What does it make you question? What conflict does it bring up in you? Hopefully this link will take you to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk

This video blew my mind. It just proved to me how distorted we ourselves, no matter what stage of life we are in. And how different others can see us, even strangers we meet for a few minutes. So, stop, take a breath, and remind yourself of how beautiful you are, or if you are male, how handsome you are. But really dig deep because I think the true qualities that make us beautiful are on the inside. I was encouraged once to write a "I am" list of all the positive "I am" statements that I could think about. Its amazing what we can come up with, and how much those statements had to do about who I was, not what I looked like. Beauty.......what is it, and who defines it anyway?

Sometimes

So, today is a day of taking each moment, one step at a time. I am currently perched at the Revue, with my good friend, Angelica. :) It has been a quiet sort of day, just settling into routine and moving forward. Its good to be in a moving forward attitude, stepping forward instead of stepping back, while at the same time, realizing that there are always things that need to be worked on, that to need to be wrestled with, that need to be processed, and slowly, gradually we move on. But I think a truth I have discovered is that moving forward does not mean that you forget the past; moving forward is acknowledging what happened in the past: the hurts, the pains, the traumas, grieving them, really feeling them and knowing that the scars will always be with you regardless of anything else.

On Sunday, at church, I was struck very deeply by one of the songs we sang. It's called Something by the David Crowder Band. The lyrics are as follow, I would love to hear your thoughts on it:

Sometimes every one of us feels
Like we'll never be healed
Sometimes

Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we'll never be saved
Sometimes

When you've given up
Let your healing come
Till you're rising up
Let your healing come

It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
Sometimes

Sometimes
It's like we'll never atone
For all the love we've known
Sometimes
Like in a smile or a song
When you feel love come
And that feeling's gone
It flies

When we've given up
Let your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let your healing come
Till we're rising up
Let your healing come
Where you go, we will follow
Where you go, we will follow

It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
Don't be afraid
Don't be afraid
Just set your sail

And risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace

It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you

Where you go we will follow
I'm on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh, God send me

Where you go we will follow
I'm on my knees
Where you go we will follow

Sometimes

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/sometimes_lyrics_david_crowder_band.html
All about David Crowder+Band: http://www.musictory.com/music/David+Crowder+Band

You can find a music video with the song at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhdZtejGxQc

I would really love to hear what this song makes you think about and wrestle with; what does it bring up in you? What does it inspire you to do? How does it challenge you? What do you think?

Simplicity

So, I am trying to see the world through a different lens. :) I once did a facebook fast for Lent a few years ago, when this blog started. And have decided to try that out again, trying to purge a bit from the temptations facebook offers. I am hoping that those of you read this will enjoy it and will reflect with me on this new journey.

I feel as though I am always at a new beginning, a new curve in the road, as Anne of Green Gables would call it. But maybe, just maybe, its really a circle and I just keep walking, but the circle keeps changing. However, I think I like the image of a road better, because you never know what might be around the next bend, and its all about the destination, not the journey, as many wise people before me have said.

That being said, it has been a long hard journey over the last few years, but I am coming out of that journey a person willing to discover, willing to feel, and willing to let life just happen. Part of this blog is me wanting to share with you how I am trying to "do" life differently. Last fall I entered into many activities at breakneck speed trying to catch up on all I missed due to personal reasons. Yet those activities led me right back to where I had started, literally, into a very dark place. It has taken the last seven months or so to work myself out of that dark place and into one of light, joy, hope and healing. I am trying to find ways to do life that bring me and others joy. Someone once told me I need to be a tortise instead of a sprinter in my marathon of life and really stop to enjoy, soak in, and absorb the little things. So this is me doing that. I am not quite sure what this blog will contain, but I hope that as I grow, I share. It might and most likely will be me wrestling theologically, but also could be trying to figure out how to simlply step into God's everyday life and be a part of what he is already up to. I am also almost certain that it will contain funny ancedotes of cooking, mishaps around the house as my sister and I get used to our new place near the Tower District. It will contain fumbles, mistakes, struggles, but also laughter, life and joy. I am glad you are part of the journey and hope that we can walk together in this new pursuit of a simple life.