Shift

So, I have been wanting to write more. One of the things I have been reflecting upon as this new year begins is my desire to get back into writing, connecting and growing through my writing. It has been a long time--too long in many ways, and I think it is time to change that. What to write about? I am not exactly sure, but nonetheless I will keep writing.

As the winter months shroud the world like a dark gray blanket, it feels ironic to be planning a spring wedding. But planning I am. Thinking about flowers, music, and colors make me smile even during this cloudy season. I realize that this year is going to be a year of getting to know my husband for the first time--we have discovered that it is important to do "life" together--cook together, clean the house together, go to the grocery store, all the little things that are important for daily living. I know it goes against the paradigm to not live together before we are married. I was struck by this contrast especially yesterday as a random older gentleman overheard my conversation with a friend and asked me if I was living with my fiance. He seemed suprised when I said no. It is interesting to note this and then see how Dan and I can do life together without actually living together. Thoughts?

A few musings for the beginning of a Tuesday. And the writing has begun.

Cracks in our Universe

I am not entirely sure what I am here to say, if anything at all. I want to say something but I don't know what. I suppose it is a journey, a step, a moment that I am here to write about. I am realizing that each process in life, each step along the way, each day, each hour matters. We have the power to make good choices or bad choices, to do right or wrong, to move forward or to move back, all in line with the dance of the universe around us. (I just finished "The Alchemist" so I might be a little bit existential....) I am realizing that all of our moments impact other moments. Dan once told me that our stories interweave into the tapestry of other people's stories as well, the people we interact with, and it all creates one big tapestry of the world. I like that, because in knowing that we effect each other, it seems like we would be more open to helping rather than harming.

Yet, what about the times when we harm others and we don't mean to? When our actions negatively impact another? Does it still take two people to completely reconcile, or can one person come most of the way? How do we reconcile cracks in our world? I suppose through forgiveness, hope, and trust--leaning on the fact that time slowly heals the holes that we unknowingly dig ourselves into. Forgiveness is hard. I wish it were easy. I wish we could just wave our wand and be done with it. But maybe it is meant to be hard for a reason. Maybe it is hard because we learn along the way. Maybe it is also a journey.

Some thoughts for a Thursday afternoon.

No Car Paradox

So, I have realized that in my hibernation, I miss connecting with others through writing. Sometimes its easier to hibernate to my own little work/home bubble and I want to get myself out of that. I have realized that in order to stay connected, in order to keep thinking and growing, I have to write. Writing is a way for my dreams to become a reality--or at least a reality on paper.

I think that not having a car is teaching me to appreciate life more. Yes, it is a simple, rather awkward situation, this life without a car. And yes, most people expect a 28 year old M.A. graduate to have a car. But this life is not me--at least not right now. Taking the bus has caused me to slow down, to enjoy life at the bus stop--and to enjoy the people I meet. Everyone from the 40 year old man and his girlfriend who were talking about his birthday conversations to communally fleeing a bee with two women who were also being attacked by said bee. Riding my bike gives me a different spin on the world. It causes me to notice more, to be in touch with the world more--I notice the little hills between my house and work more :) but I also notice the flowers, the houses and how they change in architecture slowly as I move north, and the beautiful old doors and mailboxes. It causes me to take a breath, pause, and enjoy the journey of life.

And so, as I pause, take a breath, and enjoy life, I hope you too can experience life somewhat differently today and enjoy being in the moment rather than rushing on to the next one.

random thoughts

I don't even know exactly what to write, but I want to keep writing. I'll let my fingers play on the keys until words make their way from my brain to my fingers, to this blog. :) It is a journey that's for sure--this thing we call life. Always new steps, new expectations, new bends and twists in the road, it's an adventure, that's for sure. And I think sometimes we need to stop and just be present in the middle of our lives. We need to stop and listen, stop and rest, stop and just be. I think it's so easy to forget in the pell mell of our lives. It's easy to let life carry us away and forget that we need to be present in each moment, in every moment. We only get one life. How much will we make of it?

If you think about it, our whole culture is geared towards this fast past, mcdonaldization of our lives. Everything is fast-fast food, carpool lanes, airplane flights, getting us from one place to the next within hours. It's crazy, but it's so hard not to succumb to it. It's so hard to go against the culture, to be counter-intuitive and subversive. How can we fight it? Maybe just slowing down and taking it one step at a time. Thinking about how we effect others ecologically (incidentally, you can find out your own carbon footprint to find out how much you impact our planet by completing a simple quiz on the web), thinking about how we affect others emotionally, spiritually, mentally--it's a world of thoughts that we must enter in and choose what to think, choose how we act, choose to go against the grain or submit to it. It's an adventure....may we live it to its fullest.

Hanging on by your fingernails

Sometimes, when we have nothing else to cling onto, we keep clinging anyways. A friend of mine used to say that sometimes we have to hang on by our fingernails if by nothing else. I think its really important to remind ourselves of that every once in a while. Because we all come through times and situations where hope seems elusive, almost baiting us on with a taste of it and then shimmering away till we wonder if we really had it in the first place. I wrote a poem a few years ago that I'd like to share here:

Fingers stretch
trying to grasp
the goodness in the world
to take hold
and never let go
a death grip's hold

Fingers of darkness reach, cling, twist
trying to choke
    destroy
          kill

Maybe hope is the leaf
that clings
     and will not
                          fall.

Sometimes its like we have two sources inside of us battling for the good, while the evil darkness tries to prevail and break the hope that we have within us. But yet, I think we can be stronger than this and really seek to find hope regardless of the situation. Sometimes in the bleakest, darkest moments, we have to keep hanging onto something--for me, it's God, for others it might be something else, but we can't let go. Because if we let go, it seems like the despair is just waiting to overtake us, pull us into a neverending darkness, just like how in Narnia there was everlasting winter until Aslan was on the move, shattering the darkness of winter with his presence, proclaiming spring instead.

In this time of gentle growing, sometimes, the fingers of darkness still clench at us, sometimes they still seem to want us, but we can't give up, we can choose to cling, we can choose to hang on, we can choose light.

Real Beauty

So, who defines real beauty? I think the media pushes our perception of the "perfect person" into a twisted, distorted way of thinking, so we don't see ourselves as who we really are, as who other people see us. It is sad really, the way the media distorts and makes the 4% of women in the United States who can fit the "perfect woman" size 4 model so supers-ized that we believe we have to be like that. In order to be perfect, in order to be happy, we have to look that way. Otherwise, our worlds will crumble and we won't know who we really are. Yet, the media has already made our worlds crumble around us, because they push the negative thoughts into our heads, we weren't born thinking that we weren't perfect. We were born with a desire to live life freely and be content with ourselves, but when we get old enough, we start thinking and the media starts whispering in our heads-"be thinner, be more toned, eat this diet and you will have the best abs ever." Yet is that what we really want? What has happened to being comfortable with ourselves, in our own skin, for who we are? I saw this video recently and wanted to share it with you. What do you think of it? What does it make you question? What conflict does it bring up in you? Hopefully this link will take you to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk

This video blew my mind. It just proved to me how distorted we ourselves, no matter what stage of life we are in. And how different others can see us, even strangers we meet for a few minutes. So, stop, take a breath, and remind yourself of how beautiful you are, or if you are male, how handsome you are. But really dig deep because I think the true qualities that make us beautiful are on the inside. I was encouraged once to write a "I am" list of all the positive "I am" statements that I could think about. Its amazing what we can come up with, and how much those statements had to do about who I was, not what I looked like. Beauty.......what is it, and who defines it anyway?

Sometimes

So, today is a day of taking each moment, one step at a time. I am currently perched at the Revue, with my good friend, Angelica. :) It has been a quiet sort of day, just settling into routine and moving forward. Its good to be in a moving forward attitude, stepping forward instead of stepping back, while at the same time, realizing that there are always things that need to be worked on, that to need to be wrestled with, that need to be processed, and slowly, gradually we move on. But I think a truth I have discovered is that moving forward does not mean that you forget the past; moving forward is acknowledging what happened in the past: the hurts, the pains, the traumas, grieving them, really feeling them and knowing that the scars will always be with you regardless of anything else.

On Sunday, at church, I was struck very deeply by one of the songs we sang. It's called Something by the David Crowder Band. The lyrics are as follow, I would love to hear your thoughts on it:

Sometimes every one of us feels
Like we'll never be healed
Sometimes

Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we'll never be saved
Sometimes

When you've given up
Let your healing come
Till you're rising up
Let your healing come

It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
Sometimes

Sometimes
It's like we'll never atone
For all the love we've known
Sometimes
Like in a smile or a song
When you feel love come
And that feeling's gone
It flies

When we've given up
Let your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let your healing come
Till we're rising up
Let your healing come
Where you go, we will follow
Where you go, we will follow

It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
Don't be afraid
Don't be afraid
Just set your sail

And risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace

It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you

Where you go we will follow
I'm on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh, God send me

Where you go we will follow
I'm on my knees
Where you go we will follow

Sometimes

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/sometimes_lyrics_david_crowder_band.html
All about David Crowder+Band: http://www.musictory.com/music/David+Crowder+Band

You can find a music video with the song at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhdZtejGxQc

I would really love to hear what this song makes you think about and wrestle with; what does it bring up in you? What does it inspire you to do? How does it challenge you? What do you think?

Simplicity

So, I am trying to see the world through a different lens. :) I once did a facebook fast for Lent a few years ago, when this blog started. And have decided to try that out again, trying to purge a bit from the temptations facebook offers. I am hoping that those of you read this will enjoy it and will reflect with me on this new journey.

I feel as though I am always at a new beginning, a new curve in the road, as Anne of Green Gables would call it. But maybe, just maybe, its really a circle and I just keep walking, but the circle keeps changing. However, I think I like the image of a road better, because you never know what might be around the next bend, and its all about the destination, not the journey, as many wise people before me have said.

That being said, it has been a long hard journey over the last few years, but I am coming out of that journey a person willing to discover, willing to feel, and willing to let life just happen. Part of this blog is me wanting to share with you how I am trying to "do" life differently. Last fall I entered into many activities at breakneck speed trying to catch up on all I missed due to personal reasons. Yet those activities led me right back to where I had started, literally, into a very dark place. It has taken the last seven months or so to work myself out of that dark place and into one of light, joy, hope and healing. I am trying to find ways to do life that bring me and others joy. Someone once told me I need to be a tortise instead of a sprinter in my marathon of life and really stop to enjoy, soak in, and absorb the little things. So this is me doing that. I am not quite sure what this blog will contain, but I hope that as I grow, I share. It might and most likely will be me wrestling theologically, but also could be trying to figure out how to simlply step into God's everyday life and be a part of what he is already up to. I am also almost certain that it will contain funny ancedotes of cooking, mishaps around the house as my sister and I get used to our new place near the Tower District. It will contain fumbles, mistakes, struggles, but also laughter, life and joy. I am glad you are part of the journey and hope that we can walk together in this new pursuit of a simple life.

grace in the valley

Sometimes worship can be a powerful thing and sometimes I wonder if we have so instutionalized it that we forget to find God in the little things, like listening to choir music while journaling a prayer to God, or hearing the leaves of the trees whisper God's secrets and lavish love for us. I wonder if sometimes worship, is simply listening to the sounds of nature, and the heart-beat of God. Sometimes I wonder if God calls us to stop the craziness of our lives to stand still and listen for his grace.

Sometimes I realize that it is only through God's grace that I am where I am at today. I can't, couldn't have made it through this last year if it hadn't been for him--those dark valleys of depression and anxiety can dig their fingers deep into one's soul, and only God can really pull you out. Though, I think he uses people on earth to drag us out of the depths of our darkness, our own shadows that haunt us. He uses others to speak his words of comfort, grace, companionship, and encouragement, that we can keep pushing through and that we will get to the light that will explode the darkness of our shadows. Sometimes it seems impossible. But with God all things are possible. Sometimes I think we struggle against the very grace that God wants us to have, we struggle and resist because we can't believe it is meant for us. But yet God does mean it for us. He offers it to us freely, welcomes us where we are at-worn out, tired, weary, resentful, and jaded, and welcomes us to come to him anyway.

How has grace been spoken to you in your life?

clutter and chaos cleared

God whispers in the silences. in the stillness. in the moments of pause. yet we have to be intentional in calming our hearts, our minds, our souls in order to hear it. perhaps we have to be intentional about creating sacred space, holy ground, on which we take off our shoes and meet God.s

Sometimes I think God yearns for us, pleads for us, and begs us to be in relationship with him. yet we so often turn away--seduced by the powers of technology, other relationships, people, places, school, jobs, money and various other things that crowd into our souls and vie for their own space.

Yet.

I think God might call us to stop. listen. and rest in him. allowing him to slowly, gently, but forcefully, clear out the chaos and clutter that we have chosen to instead make room for him.

May we seek him more fully together.

Reaching into the depths and pouring out

"To care means first of all to empty our own cup and to allow the other to come close to us. It means to take away the many barriers which prevent us from entering into communion with the other. When we dare to care, then we discover that nothing human is foreign to us, but that all the hatred and love, cruelty and compassion, fear and joy can be found in our own hearts. When we dare to care, we have to confess that when others kill, I could have killed too. When others torture, I could have done the same. When others heal, I could have healed too. And when others give life, I could have done the same. Then we experience that we can be present to the soldier who kills, to the guard who pesters, to the young man who plays as if life has no end, and to the old man who stopped playing out of fear for death.

By the honest recognition and confession of our human sameness we can participate in the care of God who came, not to the powerful but powerless, not to be different but the same, not to take our pain away but to share it. Through this participation we can open our hearts to each other and form a new community."--Henri Nouwen, "Out of Solitude", pp. 42-43

How might God be calling us to empty ourselves in order that we might be filled with him? This is the question I find myself asking my own heart deep within me. How might I empty myself, allow myself to be poured out so that God might pour in his extravagant grace and that grace might spill out of my own soul and bleed into the souls of others? How might I step out of the way, deconstruct and tear down the barriers of my own brokenness so that I might participate in the compassion that God has for his people and that we might be part of forming a new community together.

It is in the still moments, the silent moments of perching on a green coverlet with the sound of a dripping faucet that I wonder, question, and plead with God to allow me to keep coming to him and laying my own brokenness at his feet. It is this plea that I cry out tonight and it is this plea that I cry not only for my own heart, but a cry that together we might be united in facing towards God allowing his healing to permeate us, his compassion to mend the tears, and his grace to flow in, around, and through us so that others see not ourselves, but God.

Good night my friends. Shalom.

whisper of words

And so I come once again to type and let my fingers tickle the keyboard, hopeful of the creativity to come. :) This week I have been attempting to center more of my thoughts on Psalm 139, one of my favorite psalms. I distinctly remember as an 8th grader underlining practically every verse of that psalm in almost every color of gel ink I owned at the time. And the Psalm is again coming back to me, and I am attempting to wrestle in its truths. I was challenged by a friend to read it every day for the rest of Lent and have, so far, been able to keep up with the challenge. It is amazing to me how softly God can whisper admid words.

Sit with it, rest with it, and let these words enter into the core of you are. What might God be saying?


Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

 ¹ You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me. ² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar. ³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways. ⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely. ⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me. ⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence? ⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. ⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea, ¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast. ¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,” ¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well. ¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
 ¹⁶ your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
   were written in your book
   before one of them came to be. ¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them! ¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

 ¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
   Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! ²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
   your adversaries misuse your name. ²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
   and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? ²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
   I count them my enemies. ²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts. ²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me,
   and lead me in the way everlasting.

(perhaps joy)

And so I come to the computer tonight, fingers itching to write and a head full of theology that needs a much needed break. :)

There was a cascade of flower petals on the wet sidewalk--it looked like a snowfall of flowers.

Joy is found in blizzards of flowers, in pink frosted marshmallows and purple jellybeans.
in small hands clinging to yours as 3 year old feet stomp and splash in every puddle you come across
in a wild leap across the moat that cascades down the sidewalk between you and your van door and the laugh that bursts out from you as you attempt to make the leap
in the splash of dirty rainwater on your jeans

in a candle that flickers

in the rain that dances on the roof.

Joy is found in moments like these is it not?

Embracing the tension?

Well my friends, it has been a week since the fast begun. I have to admit it has been difficult to sustain. :) There have been many times where I have itched to check face-book, and found myself checking the blog instead. :) One of the things I realized this week was just how dependent I have gotten on technology and it is larger connectedness to the world; I have realized that for me, face-book can be somewhat of an "ego booster"; I have to admit it is super encouraging to get comments, wall posts, and keep in touch with friends. In some ways, this little blog feels like isolating my world. But maybe instead I can view it as a much needed break? Maybe instead I can see it as an intuitional technology sabbath?

One of my dear friends and house-mates, talks a lot about taking mini Sabbaths, or creating sacred space wherever we can find it in order to rest, relax and simply celebrate the moment. I find myself needing to do more of that; indeed, I think my soul truly craves it. Why is it that silence, while it can be so deeply desired, is something we also fear? Why is it that in the silences we become convicted, compelled and challenged to be different?

Perhaps this is some of what I am hearing God saying. Maybe he is saying--"sit with me in the silence Melody. rest with me. and let me love on you."

Perhaps this whisper happens as tree branches dance in the cold winter winds of March, as leaves skitter and skip across the sidewalk, and as raindrops wait behind clouds, pregnant with anticipation to drop onto the ground and renew it. Perhaps God speaks to us in those moments, if only we are silent enough to hear him.

The Prayer of Peace

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;


Where there is hatred, let me sow love;


Where there is injury, pardon;


Where there is error, the truth;


Where there is doubt, the faith;


Where there is despair, hope;


Where there is darkness, light;


And where there is sadness, joy.
 


O Divine Master,


Grant that I may not so much seek


To be consoled, as to console;


To be understood, as to understand;


To be loved as to love.
 


For it is in giving that we receive;


It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;


And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.

--St. Francis

And so I begin

So, as I was reflecting, wondering, and pondering about what to give up for Lent I found myself challenging a friend to give up Facebook. "Giving up Facebook seems like such a hard thing to do", she told me; I replied that I had done it previously, but then I found myself wondering--what would it be like this year? It seems so difficult? Yet would it be a positive way of trimming back, of giving myself more margin, of forcing myself to focus more? Perhaps....I wonder.

And as I kept musing and chewing on this idea another thought came to me--what would it be like to journey intentionally through Lent this season by writing about it. Another friend at church this day suggested that I perhaps write a blog and I told him about a cooking idea I had--which may or may not be actualized at some point in the near future :), I explained that I wanted to have a reason to write a blog. I wanted it to be intuitional, about a certain event.

And so, I turned to Lent. And thought, perhaps as I am intenitionally fasting from one form of constant technology; perhaps this will push me to also intentionally reflect on why I am fasting, and what I am fasting for! Because, the more I sit with Jesus, the more I realize that he calls us not only to fast from something, but also to fast for something--we fast in order to know Jesus better; we fast in order to draw closer to God's heartbeat for the world; we fast so that we might be deeper in tune with his song.

And, so I begin my fast.