Hanging on by your fingernails

Sometimes, when we have nothing else to cling onto, we keep clinging anyways. A friend of mine used to say that sometimes we have to hang on by our fingernails if by nothing else. I think its really important to remind ourselves of that every once in a while. Because we all come through times and situations where hope seems elusive, almost baiting us on with a taste of it and then shimmering away till we wonder if we really had it in the first place. I wrote a poem a few years ago that I'd like to share here:

Fingers stretch
trying to grasp
the goodness in the world
to take hold
and never let go
a death grip's hold

Fingers of darkness reach, cling, twist
trying to choke
    destroy
          kill

Maybe hope is the leaf
that clings
     and will not
                          fall.

Sometimes its like we have two sources inside of us battling for the good, while the evil darkness tries to prevail and break the hope that we have within us. But yet, I think we can be stronger than this and really seek to find hope regardless of the situation. Sometimes in the bleakest, darkest moments, we have to keep hanging onto something--for me, it's God, for others it might be something else, but we can't let go. Because if we let go, it seems like the despair is just waiting to overtake us, pull us into a neverending darkness, just like how in Narnia there was everlasting winter until Aslan was on the move, shattering the darkness of winter with his presence, proclaiming spring instead.

In this time of gentle growing, sometimes, the fingers of darkness still clench at us, sometimes they still seem to want us, but we can't give up, we can choose to cling, we can choose to hang on, we can choose light.

Real Beauty

So, who defines real beauty? I think the media pushes our perception of the "perfect person" into a twisted, distorted way of thinking, so we don't see ourselves as who we really are, as who other people see us. It is sad really, the way the media distorts and makes the 4% of women in the United States who can fit the "perfect woman" size 4 model so supers-ized that we believe we have to be like that. In order to be perfect, in order to be happy, we have to look that way. Otherwise, our worlds will crumble and we won't know who we really are. Yet, the media has already made our worlds crumble around us, because they push the negative thoughts into our heads, we weren't born thinking that we weren't perfect. We were born with a desire to live life freely and be content with ourselves, but when we get old enough, we start thinking and the media starts whispering in our heads-"be thinner, be more toned, eat this diet and you will have the best abs ever." Yet is that what we really want? What has happened to being comfortable with ourselves, in our own skin, for who we are? I saw this video recently and wanted to share it with you. What do you think of it? What does it make you question? What conflict does it bring up in you? Hopefully this link will take you to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk

This video blew my mind. It just proved to me how distorted we ourselves, no matter what stage of life we are in. And how different others can see us, even strangers we meet for a few minutes. So, stop, take a breath, and remind yourself of how beautiful you are, or if you are male, how handsome you are. But really dig deep because I think the true qualities that make us beautiful are on the inside. I was encouraged once to write a "I am" list of all the positive "I am" statements that I could think about. Its amazing what we can come up with, and how much those statements had to do about who I was, not what I looked like. Beauty.......what is it, and who defines it anyway?

Sometimes

So, today is a day of taking each moment, one step at a time. I am currently perched at the Revue, with my good friend, Angelica. :) It has been a quiet sort of day, just settling into routine and moving forward. Its good to be in a moving forward attitude, stepping forward instead of stepping back, while at the same time, realizing that there are always things that need to be worked on, that to need to be wrestled with, that need to be processed, and slowly, gradually we move on. But I think a truth I have discovered is that moving forward does not mean that you forget the past; moving forward is acknowledging what happened in the past: the hurts, the pains, the traumas, grieving them, really feeling them and knowing that the scars will always be with you regardless of anything else.

On Sunday, at church, I was struck very deeply by one of the songs we sang. It's called Something by the David Crowder Band. The lyrics are as follow, I would love to hear your thoughts on it:

Sometimes every one of us feels
Like we'll never be healed
Sometimes

Sometimes every one of us aches
Like we'll never be saved
Sometimes

When you've given up
Let your healing come
Till you're rising up
Let your healing come

It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
Sometimes

Sometimes
It's like we'll never atone
For all the love we've known
Sometimes
Like in a smile or a song
When you feel love come
And that feeling's gone
It flies

When we've given up
Let your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let your healing come
Till we're rising up
Let your healing come
Where you go, we will follow
Where you go, we will follow

It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
Don't be afraid
Don't be afraid
Just set your sail

And risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace
Let's risk the ocean, there's only grace

It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you
It's your love that we adore
It's like a sea without a shore
We're lost in you, we're lost in you

Where you go we will follow
I'm on my knees
Where you go we will follow
Oh, God send me

Where you go we will follow
I'm on my knees
Where you go we will follow

Sometimes

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/sometimes_lyrics_david_crowder_band.html
All about David Crowder+Band: http://www.musictory.com/music/David+Crowder+Band

You can find a music video with the song at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhdZtejGxQc

I would really love to hear what this song makes you think about and wrestle with; what does it bring up in you? What does it inspire you to do? How does it challenge you? What do you think?

Simplicity

So, I am trying to see the world through a different lens. :) I once did a facebook fast for Lent a few years ago, when this blog started. And have decided to try that out again, trying to purge a bit from the temptations facebook offers. I am hoping that those of you read this will enjoy it and will reflect with me on this new journey.

I feel as though I am always at a new beginning, a new curve in the road, as Anne of Green Gables would call it. But maybe, just maybe, its really a circle and I just keep walking, but the circle keeps changing. However, I think I like the image of a road better, because you never know what might be around the next bend, and its all about the destination, not the journey, as many wise people before me have said.

That being said, it has been a long hard journey over the last few years, but I am coming out of that journey a person willing to discover, willing to feel, and willing to let life just happen. Part of this blog is me wanting to share with you how I am trying to "do" life differently. Last fall I entered into many activities at breakneck speed trying to catch up on all I missed due to personal reasons. Yet those activities led me right back to where I had started, literally, into a very dark place. It has taken the last seven months or so to work myself out of that dark place and into one of light, joy, hope and healing. I am trying to find ways to do life that bring me and others joy. Someone once told me I need to be a tortise instead of a sprinter in my marathon of life and really stop to enjoy, soak in, and absorb the little things. So this is me doing that. I am not quite sure what this blog will contain, but I hope that as I grow, I share. It might and most likely will be me wrestling theologically, but also could be trying to figure out how to simlply step into God's everyday life and be a part of what he is already up to. I am also almost certain that it will contain funny ancedotes of cooking, mishaps around the house as my sister and I get used to our new place near the Tower District. It will contain fumbles, mistakes, struggles, but also laughter, life and joy. I am glad you are part of the journey and hope that we can walk together in this new pursuit of a simple life.

grace in the valley

Sometimes worship can be a powerful thing and sometimes I wonder if we have so instutionalized it that we forget to find God in the little things, like listening to choir music while journaling a prayer to God, or hearing the leaves of the trees whisper God's secrets and lavish love for us. I wonder if sometimes worship, is simply listening to the sounds of nature, and the heart-beat of God. Sometimes I wonder if God calls us to stop the craziness of our lives to stand still and listen for his grace.

Sometimes I realize that it is only through God's grace that I am where I am at today. I can't, couldn't have made it through this last year if it hadn't been for him--those dark valleys of depression and anxiety can dig their fingers deep into one's soul, and only God can really pull you out. Though, I think he uses people on earth to drag us out of the depths of our darkness, our own shadows that haunt us. He uses others to speak his words of comfort, grace, companionship, and encouragement, that we can keep pushing through and that we will get to the light that will explode the darkness of our shadows. Sometimes it seems impossible. But with God all things are possible. Sometimes I think we struggle against the very grace that God wants us to have, we struggle and resist because we can't believe it is meant for us. But yet God does mean it for us. He offers it to us freely, welcomes us where we are at-worn out, tired, weary, resentful, and jaded, and welcomes us to come to him anyway.

How has grace been spoken to you in your life?

clutter and chaos cleared

God whispers in the silences. in the stillness. in the moments of pause. yet we have to be intentional in calming our hearts, our minds, our souls in order to hear it. perhaps we have to be intentional about creating sacred space, holy ground, on which we take off our shoes and meet God.s

Sometimes I think God yearns for us, pleads for us, and begs us to be in relationship with him. yet we so often turn away--seduced by the powers of technology, other relationships, people, places, school, jobs, money and various other things that crowd into our souls and vie for their own space.

Yet.

I think God might call us to stop. listen. and rest in him. allowing him to slowly, gently, but forcefully, clear out the chaos and clutter that we have chosen to instead make room for him.

May we seek him more fully together.

Reaching into the depths and pouring out

"To care means first of all to empty our own cup and to allow the other to come close to us. It means to take away the many barriers which prevent us from entering into communion with the other. When we dare to care, then we discover that nothing human is foreign to us, but that all the hatred and love, cruelty and compassion, fear and joy can be found in our own hearts. When we dare to care, we have to confess that when others kill, I could have killed too. When others torture, I could have done the same. When others heal, I could have healed too. And when others give life, I could have done the same. Then we experience that we can be present to the soldier who kills, to the guard who pesters, to the young man who plays as if life has no end, and to the old man who stopped playing out of fear for death.

By the honest recognition and confession of our human sameness we can participate in the care of God who came, not to the powerful but powerless, not to be different but the same, not to take our pain away but to share it. Through this participation we can open our hearts to each other and form a new community."--Henri Nouwen, "Out of Solitude", pp. 42-43

How might God be calling us to empty ourselves in order that we might be filled with him? This is the question I find myself asking my own heart deep within me. How might I empty myself, allow myself to be poured out so that God might pour in his extravagant grace and that grace might spill out of my own soul and bleed into the souls of others? How might I step out of the way, deconstruct and tear down the barriers of my own brokenness so that I might participate in the compassion that God has for his people and that we might be part of forming a new community together.

It is in the still moments, the silent moments of perching on a green coverlet with the sound of a dripping faucet that I wonder, question, and plead with God to allow me to keep coming to him and laying my own brokenness at his feet. It is this plea that I cry out tonight and it is this plea that I cry not only for my own heart, but a cry that together we might be united in facing towards God allowing his healing to permeate us, his compassion to mend the tears, and his grace to flow in, around, and through us so that others see not ourselves, but God.

Good night my friends. Shalom.